If anyone has a sudden urge to send me something, let it be known that ketchup (preferably Heinz) has jumped to number one on my list of basic necessities which I am currently craving. This is not because ketchup is extinct in Australia. It is simply because what forms of ketchup do exist here are either entirely American-proof in their packaging, or are much closer cousins to pure tomato sauce. The union of tomato sauce and french fries, I mean, "chips," is a relationship that I hope to never see. There's a growing list of things which we have now deemed to be American-proof, starting with the ketchup packages that physically do not open without a knife or an explosion of the entire package, or both if you're really lucky. The light switches have made the list as well, as it is plainly not possibly to wrap our heads around the idea of pushing down on a switch in order to turn it on. The most recent addition to the list of things that Americans do wrong here, is something which, without some kind of physical impediment, should be be far less challenging than it has become. The simple act of walking in public places has proved to be a genuine obstacle for the greater portion of the American population. Without knowing it, the fact that we drive on the right side of the road at home has literally trained us to automatically travel on the right side of anything while going anywhere. Think about it. When we walk through a mall or an airport, we always walk on the right because that's just the way movement is conducted. Down under on the other hand...they drive on the left, as do most places of British influence, but they therefore walk on the left. This disastrous combination of Americans walking on the right side of the sidewalk and Australians walking on the left side will ten times out of ten result in a collision when walking towards each other. Unfortunately, reason and applied understanding alone did not tell me this. The experience and subsequent confusion caused by constantly smashing into people every day made me wonder if I was even walking improperly. The actual realization occurred to me only after accidentally playing chicken with a small child at Seaworld while we walked towards each other in the penguin exhibit, waiting for the other move. (Neither moved and a collision did ensue, however all parties emerged unharmed.) While the whole light switch thing may get easier with time, I'm fairly confident that I will always be walking on the right side of anything and will just have to get used to dodging oncoming humans. While Americans definitely stand out less in Australia than they may (and do) elsewhere, they are nonetheless very noticeable and easy to pick out in public spaces. It's definitely warm here right now, and temperatures this week have been pushing 85F, so most sensible men are in shorts. Any male who's knee cap and/or lower thigh are visible, is clearly not a descendent of the Pilgrims. The Australian man's short shorts are made even more noticeable by the fact that the American men here tend to wear those longer board shorts, if not basketball shorts which hit them mid calf, if not practically at their ankles. Clearly Rafa Nadal's capri shorts look is catching on whether the Americans admit it or not, because another eighth of an inch, and those "shorts" are most definitely capri pants. The beach is another place where the Americans stick out thanks to their apparel, as no Joe the Plumber would be caught dead wearing a speedo - whereas they are all the rage amongst the older generation of Australians. The women are just as terrible at camouflaging as their male counterparts unfortunately. Apparently, Australians do not tan the way that many young American females are quite keen on, and it is rare to see Australians lying on the beach soaking up the melanoma the way Americans do...probably because they know that the hole in the ozone layer is literally above our heads, and death by sun is unpleasant. Further, American women are the only ones who "angle their chairs" in accordance with the sun's rays, as if laughing in the face of the non-existant ozone wasn't bad enough. Accents aside, even the American's word choices while speaking stand out next to the Australian's. Australians never refer to a location as it's proper, full known name, and everything is either given an "y," or an "ie" at the end. The Gold Coast, for example, turns into "Goldie," turning Brisbane into "Brissy," relative into "ressy" and university directly into "uni." For example, someone recently said to me, "Yep, my relies live in Brissy, so I see them a lot while I'm down here on the Goldie at uni." I'm sorry? Your what lives where? It took me three days to decode that sentence, and I'm still not entirely sure if that's even the intended meaning. The American world may never know.
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